How do you know you re dating a sociopath
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Yet, Carver cautions, this seemingly positive sign is, in fact, also negative. Me being naive I tried to blow it off as he really just wants to be intimate with me and maybe I should be more confident with him because obviously he is met to me and he is a man who has needs. Socially isolates you One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. Even though I know the con and I found documentation to prove it, he vehemently denies it. She is definitely not a vegetarian. They need your love to manipulate. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. His feelings of infatuation and love were so strong at first. Autobus time, the meanness cycle escalates in severity and increases in duration.
It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused. The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Whilst not a comprehensive list, these traits show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath. Charismatic and charming For the sociopath, image is everything. He will constantly flatter you. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life. Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you. His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life. Superficial and glib A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself. The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril. The sociopath will say anything. They will say things to you, that you have already told them. This is designed to build trust, so that you think that this person knows and understands you really well. They make false empty promises, waste your time, and say things that they have no intention of ever coming true. Or maybe you met online. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to? Huge ego All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are with the opposite sex but how they have chosen you, because you are special. They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed. They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self. They play victim Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He can tell tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him who you have never met, and most likely never would. His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. It will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will also encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities. They want to spend ALL of their time with you — showers you with attention and flattery At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world. They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day. At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love. Sexual charisma and magnetism All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth. A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth. The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings. The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more. A sociopath can go to great lengths to cover for his lies. Lives like a parasite Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour. He will talk of business plans, or a great career, and that maybe he is just temporarily down on his luck. But he sells you a good, honest moralistic man, with great prospects it is all a lie. Sociopaths love getting anything for free. It makes them feel good for two reasons. All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Comes on strong and moves fast If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible. If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people which might be negative towards him , and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner. You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes. If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be. Socially isolates you One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence. Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign. In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else. Is very dramatic Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Lack of life plan and long term goals Some sociopaths work high functioning ones , but low functioning ones do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they lose their jobs, or have a history of trouble in the workplace. Unless given an easy route for working, many sociopaths think that work is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change and get a job. But this is not very likely. They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true. A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future. Immaturity Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from the past and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for other human beings. The sociopath has no real care for the rights of others. But he may feign care, if he thinks that it is to his advantage. If he thinks that showing care will lure you in, or seduce you, or manipulate you, he will act responsible and caring. Like a teenager, the sociopath is demanding masked with charm , and very selfish. They only think of their own needs what is in it for me? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them. Jimmy Saville — definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse. It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! Will always blame someone else — lack of remorse, guilt or shame When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown remember most of the time he has his mask on , you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this. When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. There will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply. Jealousy and paranoia The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid. You will feel that you are constantly defending yourself against false accusations. Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are Copyright © datingasociopath. FINDING excuses of reasons why he was mad at me, and stupid stuff. Would get mad at me for texting and telling me I texted him 4 or 5 times when it was once. After he had seen me the last time, he did this. It is very strange. He was very hypocritical, and saying he was annoyed with me doing these things but he was doing them also. It was very confusing, and I was hurt emotionally in the end. His name is Victor Santiago and lives in the Bronx, NY. This man is very intelligent, and told me sad stories, and even tells me how sick his Mom is. He did a 360 I tell ya. It went from overly gentle and loving to cookoo screaming man. I have been in a roller coaster situation, very similiar or exact to yours. The man that I fell for changed in a rapid heartbeat. He refused to answer any questions I asked and would turn his head other direction. I knew from the beginning something was off, especially the crazy, long stare he gave me when we first went out, but I overlooked thinking he was really interested. I sent 3 texts and that was a problem, he plays repeated games with his phone to me, where he will send one text and I will respond and he refuses to reply. His latest reason was that he ignores everyone. He duped me into believing he truly loved me when he was just using and manipulating me for sex. My ex-boyfriend was very charming and smooth, I was attracted to him sexually almost immediately. A lot of what he was saying at first sounded too good to be true but I wanted to believe him and eventually I fell for him and his lies. I began to lose my self, my whole life became about him and I was hopelessly addicted to him, just as he told me I would be. Just about the time I gave up my values for him he dumped me and went cold. I found out later he was having sex with multiple women while he was with me, telling them he loved them, telling them the same lies, the same stories. I began to see that he used, duped and discarded women as a way to feed his ego and derive a sense of power. Sad thing is, I shouldve known better. Of course I thought nothing of it because he was talking about his past self and he changed from that. But, he was actually talking about how he is now! Hi Eva This site is such a comfort and I just want to warn people out there about someone called Michael Bate who lives in Cannock in Staffordshire England. He contacted me via facebook in June and we eventually met mid August but from the start of August when we started speaking, he phoned me every day for about 10 weeks for approx 2 hours a day, texted me, wanted to see me every weekend we are 2 hours apart seemingly worshipped me and the ground I walked on, asked me to move to Stafaffordshire with him after about 6 weeks when he finally got all the divorce details sorted out loads of gigs organised for the future — up to June 2016, a very attractive man with long hair and I made no bones about telling him this and was surprised when he told me no-one had told him this before , he could not do enough for me, and I could not believe my luck. He wanted to do the same as me move to the coast in 2 yrs time , told me our connection was just so great and where was I 30 years ago!!! This was all in the space of about 10 weeks. However, one weekend — when again he had begged me to go up there again, there was a row with the 2 daughters 16yr old who moved out for the weekend and the 25yr old and the 16yr old left the house on the Friday night and was not back Sunday lunchtime. In the meantime, I was ill with vomiting in the early hours of sunday morning and I could tell that he just wanted me to get out the way so he could deal with this daughters. As I was too weak to drive he eventually agreed to drive me home and got the train back. I phoned and texted many times that evening but he just ignored me. However when I emailed telling him I was confused, devastated and asking him to explain why he would not even speak to me, I have had no reply but he did manage to put on facebook the Saturday after he stopped speaking to me that he was down the pub with his friends. I have since blocked him from facebook. Of course his wife walking out was all her fault — I am now realising why she did and feel so sorry for her and amazed that she lasted as long as she did — poor woman. Make a note of the name again — Michael Bate — he is a very attractive charming man. He has no compassion or sympathy for the emotional trauma he has caused me. I got not closure from him — but I did from this site, and reading the stories of others have realised what a lucky escape I have had. Than you all so much for restoring my sanity and I am now relieved at being free of such a nasty. Hugs Michelle, this is no reflection on you. He deliberately targeted you when you were at a tough time of your life. The truth is that he would have kept you at this tough time of your life, and stopped you from healing and recovering. He provided the entertainment and the false illusion that he was lifting you up…. Start today on healing and recovery. Bring back the focus to you, take it one day at a time. This man will only bring further hurt and pain to you. He got violent in arguments and would say I hit him first. I pushed him away from screaming and spitting in my face. He would make changes like finally getting a job, cutting down on drugs, and gave me his passwords so I could trust him. That was a screamer in itself. Somehow I never felt safe in the relationship. I did a LOT for him and it was all taken for granted. From our first 2nd date he started playing girls against me. There was always one to fall back on, even exes who he treated badly. He proved this when we broke up before. Outside everyone except those close to me see him as fun and charming. My friends and family saw right through him and saw he was using me. Everything about him is a lie. He always would tell me things, bad things about himself which would make me think I was the one he was finally honest with. I know this was probably his tactic along with the sad stories. Am I being too mean though? I had to trust him for it to work. There were still always back ups. I tried explaining maybe we were not right and he would convince me we would work it out. I needed to be patient. I thought I was patient about so much. I felt everything that changed because I said other people mentioned it about him. I never felt anything was genuinely for us. I would never have stayed with someone who treated me like that before. I was so independant. I cant beleive i found this site.. He was mosr def a sociopath and nearly destroyed me…i am recovering slowley…but it hurts still…he was my best friends brother.. I take responsibility for my shortcomings in the relationship, but all the signs were there for him being a sociopath! I guess in part due to my ignorance and my want for a connection. Reading this helped me acknowledge something that up until now I was completely in denial about, he never truly cared for me, the connection I felt was a fabrication. He ticked every single box listed. Not only that, he completely encompassed the definition of a sociopath. In fact I moved countries in the end due to my own struggle with mental illness, and decided I wanted no contact with him. Although, there was still something there. Everything around me should be crumbling as the wound is so fresh, but this has helped release me. Thank you, thank you so much. Music has helped me so much through both the grief and rage stages of sociopath abuse recovery. It is important to take time to grieve the fantasy while relieving anger at the sociopath. I oscillate between grief and rage, so when I am in rage mode, I focus the anger into working out vixentalent ; I listen to Part of Me by Katy Perry, Fight Song by Rachel Platten, Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine get that Devil off your back! Also I can Love! It took a lot of years to realize what the hell was going on inside of me, why I felt nothing pretty much all the time. When a woman showers you with praise, affection, gifts, etc. Are these warning signs I should be watching out for? My girlfriend did this, she went from white hot to icy in a manner of weeks. She does it for the first few days and then goes back to her normal icy self. You tell it like it is, so give it to me straight doc, am I being bamboozled here? No emotionally healthy woman or girl will treat another human being this way. The reason why she is doing it is secondary to the fact that she is emotionally manipulating you. She may have an approach-avoidant attachment issue that needs to be resolved with intensive therapy with a psychologist before she can learn to healthily attach to other individuals. Do not allow someone to use that push-pull method of manipulation. Do not allow ANYONE to use you, or coerce you into buying them little gifts in order to stay. If that last two lines really pisses you off beyond belief, then it is very likely YOU who has the problem. Wish I had known this 3 years ago but, like they say, experience is the best teacher. He is an addict, has an extensive RAP sheet, constantly unemployed, a liar, theif from me, companies, and people in my life , cheater etc. He drained and abused me emotionally, physically, and financially. For the first time in my life I started having anxiety attacks and felt constantly sick. I tried leaving several times, but he sucked me back in clearly I had very poor self esteem , until he left me for his new victim. At first, I was devastated but now I feel sorry for both of them. I feel sorry for her because she has no idea what he has in store for her. I feel sorry for him because I cannot imagine a life where I could not truly connect, give and receive love with another person; what a sad existence. You all clearly have so much love, kindness and caring in your hearts—just imagine sharing it with someone who actually deserves it. I agree with you 100%. My ex used me for 5 yrs. I endured 5 years of physical and emotional abuse. He finally dumped me for someone else. I was angry at first. He moved out of my home and right in with his new victim. Now I feel sorry for this new person. She has not the slightest idea of what is in store for her. Drunken outbursts of rage , cheating, lying and mooching. Breaking things the screaming at 3 am. The only thing that worries me is him contacting me when she kicks him out again. My ex is a classic sociopath. However, it seems that EVERY SINGLE MAN I meet wants to marry me tomorrow. Ok, exaggeration, but, you get the point. How do I stop this? Sociopaths seem to prefer the beautiful, strong, confident, successful types of women, because they love, love, love to tear women like that down to absolutely nothing. It makes them feel better about themselves, and less weak than they actually are and sociopaths are unbelievably weak and very scared inside. Just keep in mind that no emotionally healthy man or woman will want to marry you right away. If it is genuine love…which we all know comes after getting to know someone and having shared experiences with them both good and bad , it will also be genuine love in a year, or two, or three. All of us deserve a healthy, loving, well-intentioned partner who is committed to making our life BETTER. A child NEEDS that in order to grow into an emotionally healthy, non-socioipathic adult. You can divorce that person, but a child gets stuck with them for life. Welcome back to reality, sanity, and the land of the sympathetic. It takes close to a year to heal. Be gentle and patient with yourself. I agree so much with this comment, particularly about the weak powerless child. I think that they stay in that mode, forever. This is why they need victims. They have to dominate, to make them feel better about themselves. Neither do I think it was an accident that he is now happier with someone who is used to being victim. He can play rescuer. Such a sympathetic, insightful and pragmatic piece. Thank you for sharing. I am freshly detaching from a gorgeous, charismatic grade A sociopath after 2. I was once a confident, positive, attractive professional woman who he whittled down so subtly over time to someone now in therapy, on anti-depressants and the occasional anxiety blocker. Today I am finally deleting all traces of his contact to self heal. He won the hearts of my young children and family, which I have been left to manage. I called him out and he is matching all of the above characteristics of lying, blame-shifting and stonewalling. This article and your insight give me great comfort and will accelerate my healing. Does she think that she is immune because she already knew he was a sociopath? Or does that make her one too??? Thank you for your insight! Anyway, I rarely ever check this site or leave information and experiences due to my personal experience with her on FB. BUT I HAD NO IDEA PPLE GOT HURT LIKE THAT. I know how hard things have been 4 my parents 4 years now nd how hard they,ve tried just to give us the bestest education. I neva folw schedules,i hate work even if its washin dishes.. I moved countries for my ex and left a successful job and life for him. When we moved in together in the UK, it became apparent that my loving boyfriend, who was constantly saying he wanted to marry me and loved me so much, was in fact extremely controlling about day to day life and also took very little interest in me. It was all about him. His dad had just died so I put it down to stress. If I criticised anything about him he would take it as an attack and would start raising his voice. I had always been suspicious of his friends as they took coke and seemed to have an objectify attitude to women.. When we got back from the wedding to the UK, things calmed down again. By now we had been dating for two years one year long distance and one living together. Our lives were completely joined though mutual friends we had made, families, our little dog. We both worked from home freelancing. One day we were going for dinner with aforementioned mysogininstic friend. I never saw him again. I was left with nowhere to live and a dog to rehome. He simply went to his mums house to live there down the road. And never once contacted me again. After three months I contacted him for my deposit on the house but he refused. This has been the most painful, shocking experience of my life. The ultimate callous discard. Just want to say thank you in an unfortunate way. I feel blessed to have come to my senses and read all the signs. My ex sent me texts posing as a Pastor. At first I actually thought it was from a Pastor that I knew, then as time went on the manner and style was so similar to my ex I actually called the guy and that was it. Anyway, thank you for having a forum to speak, not able to talk about this with family or friends. Its just to embarrassing and painful. Another anonymous, I definitely recommend you do NOT talk to your family and friends about what has happened. The vast majority of people in your life will not understand. If you have someone in your family who is a psychologist or in law enforcement, they might understand. Wishing you the best with your healing process. It took me about 6 months for the mental fog to lift, 11 months to begin to feel like I was getting back to myself again. It took me another 6 months after that to begin to want to get back out in the world. The first 6 months after I left were really very, very odd. I had PTSD, though so you may have a different experience. I feel blessed to have come to my senses and read all the signs. Since then this man continued to try and contact me and still develope a relationship with me. He would call and say he needed help and needed a ride or some money. In turn trying to get a rise or guilt out of me. I changed my car, moved, cut and dyed my hair and even changed my number, which I have had for 8 years. And still he emailed me or found some way to contact me. Every so often I would use a search engine to see if he was jailed again or moved out of state. I was surprised in my last search to find out that he had died. I had just bought a house on my own and was in a job I loved. So when a friend of mine introduced me to her colleague, a handsome charming pilot I fell in love. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. My friends and family are supportive of the age difference. Anyways, on the first day we connected right now. I opened up myself and he opened up talking about his past. In the early stages of our relationship, he would always fabricate these unecessary problems. He told me that he was diagnosed with bipolar and he stopped his meds. Whenever we get into an argument that he starts, he would always tell me that he loves and tries to bring up the stuff he does for me. He would say that he would change and that he promises to learn from his mistakes. Two days ago he hung out with one of my girl friends which I was cool with. After, he calls me and says that she wanted something to happen with him and he made her sound bad. As a result, she lost the respect of all her friends. When it came to that point where he was about to lose me, he admitted it. I told him that he is a liar and a manipulator. Tonight I then searched up that he was a liar and a manipulator and I came to the senses that he might be a sociopath. He is extremely emotional and knows exactly what to say. Ryan Ulm from Lubbock, TX fits this perfectly. He cannot hold a job for more than three or so months. I noticed genital warts on him and be tried to hide them, never once went to the doctor. Spins lies about whoever he is dating if they try to prick holes in his stories. He is a bad employee, a criminal drug addict, an alcoholic, and a verbally and emotionally abusive man if you can even call him that. And the best thing? He is so charming. Nobody believes he is like this, his parents know, but they are enablers. This went on for a considerable period of time. From my own experience, you cannot leave a sociopath, other than disappear somewhere they do not know where you are. Only they can choose to leave you. I would only recommend this action, if he is refusing to let you go — and you are suffering further losses he is threatening that you will lose your job ect. Another tact and probably a more sensible one, is to tell him by text or in writing so that you have proof, that the relationship is OVER that you do not want any further contact with him. If he contacts you, then you will contact the police and report him for harassment they love to control, but do not like to be controlled this is probably the most sensible option, HOWEVER — in my case, this did NOT work. I was too scared of him, so that when I went no contact, and he would show up at my house- every time, I called police, but I was too scared to follow through with any action towards him, simply because I knew that he was a pathological liar, and would say whatever he wanted to say, to get me into further trouble. When I see so many complain about getting rid of their ex. And the hoovering, stalking, begging to come back. Because seriously, if you want to cut someone out of your life, its easily done. Feeling good about it and being resolute about no contact…. If you mean it, you will do whatever it takes. But it can be done. How important is it to you? Abuse leaves permanent scars. This is just what came from my observations and personal experience. Unbelievably difficult, a very lonely spiritual path. Guppie, the stalking is scary. Mine was going in and out of my house when I was at work, would be contacting my friends and family and kept tabs on my every move. It can be hard to prove as they are so sly. In the early days mine bombarded me with letters and emails but it was just words. The actions never changed, it was all about power and trying to force me back. Something in my gut felt off and thank god I stuck to my guns because when I passed his deadline he was off finding new supply. Even now with limited communication he seems to keep tabs on every inch of our lives and I am not dating or have anything to hide. I have often thought that the worst thing would be to have a true sociopath as the father of my children. Because in my view, its not just the sociopath himself but this invisible force field of evil that surrounds his life and slowly gets a toehold and invades your life. He constantly lied, cheated and manipulated me and other girls at the same time when he already had a gf of 5 years living in the same house… Beware of this con artist he is online hunting for other victims all the time Martin Murphy who lives in england, very charming, kind and intelligent as other sociopaths. BUT I do know this, that staying with them does further damage! So, it is a double whammy. It is sad about the son, especially if you see him as your son, and have close connections. You have to think of your own sanity and losses. When you think about leaving, create a plan. Make sure that you tell those who are close to you the truth, keep your circle small and expect to lose friends. Expect the worst from him and you will be almost there, and likely you would never know half of what he has done to you and how he gets off on that fact. Your best bet is if he runs off with someone else, as his attention is elsewhere….. This is for Staci. Please walk away now. He is crazy making with you. Keeping you on a string — laying down rules of what is ok and what is not all for his liking nothing about what is good for you. Delete his number, turn your phone off at night — whatever it takes to separate yourself from him. You know this is not how one person should treat another. He pulled you in by being that great guy and then flipped the script. This is classic behavior. The more you work to try to back in his good graces the more he will torment you. They get a kick out of watching people squirm. The more you try to please, the more he will actually be disgusted by you. Say this out loud F him! Say it over and over again until you own it. I was incredibly confused for 4 months, trying to put everything I saw and felt, all the pieces together. Then he had ONE crucial mask slip that gave it all away. We were arguing as always about politics. I would KILL 100 poor people. Such a lack of empathy. That was when it clicked in my brain. The crucial piece of evidence tying everything together. I looked it up; everything fit. It was like memories of everything he ever said and did rushed through my mind and linked to what I was reading. A VERY important piece of information was delivered to me by my intuition in the nick of time. Needless to say I broke everything off the next day. Currently realising i am either in a toxic relationship or im with a sociopath Im so tired of the fear, the control, the paranoia, the victim card and the blame game but i am possibily blinded by the good traits my partner has, or am i simply just reminiscing over the start of the relationship.. I knew I was in a relationship that had unhealthy aspects. I was a professional, independent, slight perfectionist, biggest heart women out there like most of the victims sociopaths pick, at least to begin with. I literally gave up my happiness, financial security, personal values for things I loved Music and friends, family , just to fit into what I thought he wanted me to be as he molded me just to have no empathy and walk away. We met when I was 19 and he was 21, we dated for 6 months or so. Fast forward 3 years. I did think of him on and off. I finished school, started my career.. His feelings of infatuation and love were so strong at first. Any sign of hesitation I had, he seemed to take it as the biggest insult ever. I was just trying to build a solid foundation. He wanted to woo me over again to get a free ride basically. He did it so well. So we started dating even though he had been caught talking to other females, while I was doing everything to be the best mom I could for his daughter, with absolutely no remorse or guilt. So I am 3 years into this relationship. He wooed me and asked, begged talked about how he wanted his family.. I also got him a dog right before I found out I was pregnant. I took on all these responsibilities. He used me for years. I am so heartbroken he could use me and throw me away, ignore my feelings, like literally ignore until I push or cry so much he is angry and agitated at me.. I know reading the comments everyone says to get a way. I do still love him and have this sad sad hope that that connection we felt was real.. But at the same time I have also failed in protecting myself and my son from him already. I have Post parting depression PTSD, I cry every day and feel so incapable. Thenhis frienss when they are upset me when becusse I am calling him out and not letting him do this to me, say they hope I die and my son would be better off without me??? What is wrong with people or is this me?? You should get a divorce, and have zero contact with any of those friends of his, or his family. Your son needs more to be raised by a healthy adult, than to have this kind of father, and associations. Once you can legally take your son and move, that would be best. If lucky, an understanding judge might refrain from granting visitation from the father. No texting or any of that either. From what you are saying, you have a very large group of people working very hard to destroy your soul, your mind, and your life. You DO NOT deserve this. Wow, after reading this I can honestly say that I too fell into the trap. This girl used me and abused me for for almost a year, was very narcissistic, never felt remorse about anything, cheated lots of times, and the list goes on and on and on; this all happened so fast too, crazy right? I guess experience is the best teacher. All I can say is if this is happening to you get out while you can. Call them out on their shit and leave. I hope this helps. I approached a friends friend who was supposed to help me with my cat preparation and once I talked to him I found him to be very intelligent , chilled and smooth. He kept insisting to meet and finally I gave up , but when we did meet I even remember the exact moment when I started falling in love , it was those eyes of his and I forgot everything around me. I even forgot that i had a boyfriend. Days went by and I started getting more and more interested in him. In two weeks he said that he loved me and I said that I am committed and said goodbye. Three days later he calls me and asks if I missed him ,I said yes and the saga began from here. We used to talk easily 4 times a day , I screwed my concentration , my studies and my wellbeing for him. I broke up with my old guy because this new guy was apparently giving me everything that I always wanted from old guy. Things progressed quickly and although was a virgin ,I never made fuss about first time being special to me and all. Though I thought since I do like this guy so why not with him. There was no lovemaking , it was just sex. I dont remember him being sweet or nice in bed , there was just no love. He never asked me once whether everything was okay or not or that it was my first time and that how much of a big deal it was. He never understood that him being my first is such a big deal even though I dint show it. This is when I started getting hints that this guy isnt right for me. I remember sending I love you text to him and he did not respond to me , we even talked on phone but he dint reciprocate. I felt really bad but determined that i need to get off this relationship before it consumes me. I miss him , but thats better. Id rather pine over him than being with him. So how exactly do you get back at a sociopath ex? Do you let him know you know the kind of person he is or do you just walk away. I did no contact with mine twice for 30 days each time.. I noticed when I pulled away he started trying to manipulate me into talking with him and chase after me. I feel he just wants to keep me in the loop. What do you guys think and how do I get back at him? Thank you for this website. I got duped by a SP almost 4 years ago now. I began to have my suspicions last year but only now can I see the truth. It is truly devastating. I had never heard the term sociopath before, I wish I had. Good luck to us all, I only hope this gets easier to come to terms with. I was depressed when I met him and he was the ultimate antidepressant! But it was all lies and now my depression is deeper than ever before. Hi Gem, Glad you found this site. I really does help. I had my brush with NS about 4 years ago as well and it does get better. I come here now to hopefully be a beacon of hope to others and remind myself that those people are out there. I recently ran into my NS and it was sufficiently awkward mainly because of course he acts like we are long lost friends. I may be cordial but believe me I will never forget what I went through and will never go back there. Thank you for your encouraging words tcarm. I am full of anger, resentment and feel a fool. My last words to him were so simpering and pathetic, saying how I will always love him. He has no idea I have discovered what he is really made of and how I hate him. But like you say I know when I see him again which is unfortunately inevitable he will embrace me like a dear friend, and I will have to suck it up and put on a brave face as if nothing happened. Like smiling in the face of the devil. I expect in his warped head he thinks he still owns me, another trophy in his collection of broken hearts Christina Perry — Jar of Hearts, so apt. It felt so much like real love, it happened so fast, and anytime I tried to leave he would start up the lovebombing again. Who knew there were people in the world who would even do something like this?!! I have been watching a lot of MTVs Catfish. It is a similar scenario of being conned into love except instead of being lied to by an anonymous person online the sociopath lies to our face!!! It has taken this experience for me to realise what real love is. It is being with someone who really loves you for you, and it may not always be joyous and like flying on air but having that person in your life who at the heart of it is a good person and a true friend with an actual human soul. That is worth a million stolen moments with a sociopath. It is a long road to recovery but I have to believe I will be stronger for it. And we here are already wiser -brought here by the truth we never wanted to face. I have a dear niece who met a man who, within three months, told her he wanted to marry her. She said no, but he has since proposed ten months later, and she accepted. He had been divorced for three years after 20 years of marriage and a number of now-grown children. My niece was not looking for a relationship, and is doing great with her career. From the start, the man was mirroring her. If she likes something, he likes it. He seemed to have no personality of his own. It was very disconcerting to see how much he was like her — and of course he became like her as part of the mirroring pathology. I am certain he chose her because he needed a replacement wife, and that he checked her out as thoroughly as one can do via the internet to be sure that he was choosing someone who would make him look better by association. For some reason I cannot explain, my niece did not, and has not used the internet to learn more about him. If she did, she would see that all of his information claims him as a victim. Everything in the original post applies to him, from what I can remember of that writing. He blames others when he is caught deliberately doing what he claims he does not do. He needed my niece to get what he wanted in terms of lifestyle and work — and that added acclaim that he gets from his association with her. He plays the role she wants him to — needs him to — but I see in their interactions that even affection — genuine affection — is one-sided. With him it is perfunctory. But will it happen before the marriage. My niece is not supporting him financially, but he is very peculiar in his financial and material choices. He wants the best, but often keeps the worst — or gets the best then walks away from it. He is high-maintenance AND very very low maintenance. I believe that he could be bought off, either through getting the fame he seeks, with all the trappings, or with a situation that would give him even more of what he is getting from being with my niece. I have been straight with my niece about my concerns, but there are times when I find myself walking a thin edge between being straight, and almost abetting, in my attempt to be supportive. Is he a sociopath? Is he a narcissist that has additional pathologies. Or, is he just a narcissistic, opportunistic schmuck who is after a replacement wife. No matter what he is, and I doubt this will ever be ascertained, I hope my niece will ultimately be okay. I hope we all will be okay. Dear Jane, I had a relationship with a guy very similar to the one you describe. Mine had money, a great career, was cultured, well traveled and could charm just about anyone. These types as noted in article, can be incredibly charming. They mirror their victims. Treat them like royalty. Make them feel like they are the most important person on earth. They appear to worship the very ground one walks on. With the above behavior, the victim lets their hair down. Starts to believe these players are genuine. And commit to a permanent relationship. Mine proposed but thankfully, I did not marry him, but did let him move in with me. HUGE mistake … Anyway, once the Sociopath gets you where they want you, all of the charming behavior changes. At least in private. On the outside they may still act like the perfect gentleman. They do this so your friends,social circle and status they covet will think they are wonderful. And keep thinking the Sociopath will change and you make excuses for them. They keep you hooked by going back and forth between treating you well and being abusive. You begin to lose confidence. But once they make up their mind, the victim is toast, though they may not realize it at first. I really feel for your niece and for you having to watch someone you care for being sucked into a relationship that you know will only end in pain. I had a couple of friends who tried their best to convince me and I thought they were jealous or nuts. How could this guy who treated me like a queen not be who he seems to be? All you can do is be there for her when the sociopath shows his true colors. And when that happens, give her the link to this site. I know it helped me. In fact, this site was a life saver, along with the couple of friends who warned me about my sociopath in the first place. I still see him from time to time as he lives in the area. Good luck … Im still married to mine… Coming up on 7 years. He is all these things except for jealous. But everything else he is to a T… And we have a baby… I knew after the first 6 months of craziness what ye was…. We got married after 3 months and yes he moved in with me after 1 month. I fell for it all. The lies about everything. And i handle him … Not a fix but im still wrapped up in this whole sherade Lisa, I read your post after this one and my hope for you is that you seek therapy for yourself so you can understand what attracts you to these types. You seem to have an idea caring, sympathetic, empathetic — also a bit co-dependent — no shame there just I feel the more you understand you, the closer you will get to moving on. I have been dating a guy who right from the start wanted me to be his girlfriend and showered me with attention that felt guenuine. I had my reservations and tried to not get too involved too soon. He persisted with charm and made feel like he and i had this unique and somewhat intense connection. He told me he loved me and would text and call alot just to compliment me and call me his queen. Eventually I let him into my heart believing this was guenuine and real love and he talked about how our future would be. Then as soon as I told him i felt the same things changed. I found myself chading him and he would ignore me then message days later saying he had work to deal with. But then again real me in with love and attention. Anyway long story short last week I book flights for myself to go with him to belgium next month as he is performing there he is a magician so guess he really is a master of illusion and for two days he bombards me with texts and pictures and tells me he loves me, then the next day he dissapears!! Blocks me on all social media, whatsapp and ignores my calls and texts! This was litterally 3 days ago and I have been questioning everything. This article has put it into perspective for me and will maybe help me deal with the pain i have right now as he has showed a lot of these traits Ellen, Sorry this happened or is happening to you. Did you end up going to Belgium? I realize this post if from months ago but after reading it and based on experience, the first thing I thought was that you may not have been the only one he was performing this magic on getting you to fall for him and you willing to travel to see him perform may have meant worlds colliding and so he vanished. I hope he never reappeared and you moved on. If there was treatment, good luck getting them on board — remember they think they are smarter than everyone else. There is still debate over whether someone is born with these traits or if the behavior is learned. Whether you have know this person for a long time or meet this person as a adult, best to keep your distance. At the very least they can be annoying, attention seeking, drama creating, and intrusive. At the worst, they can be dangerous. This truly is not even funny. I was with a narcissistic sociopath for 5 years of my young adult life. I have been stalked, suicidal, mentally tormented from this. Everyday I am in awe over the fact that I was so manipulated down to nothing. I no longer feel these things such as the paranoia or mental doubt of reality, questioning my sanity and self worth. I have somehow braved the storm of this sick, twisted mindset, and only want to extend a notion that if any other person feels this way, you are not alone, and there are steps you can take to get your life back yourself back. This is not your fault at all. And you are not weak. You can make it to the other side. Thank you to everyone who has shared their intimate stories and to the author of this website who may have saved me a great deal of grief. My story is very similar to everyones. It also presents a warning to everyone to be mindful of online dating. The beginning of our relationship was electric. He was very charming, smart and knew just what to say. I felt like I melted in his hands every time he touched me. We spent all of our free time together at my place, spoke on the phone very frequently and texted in between that. We spoke about everything from sports, politics to our dreams and wishes. He was very funny and could make me laugh very easily. Although he was a little older than me he could be very immature and childish in public — always in good fun. He shared very personal details about his very troubled childhood and traumatic experiences. I loved him and I wanted to help him even if it meant just talking to him. I was very happy to give him my undivided attention until it became too much. The need for attention was insatiable. Friends and family members began to complain of how little they saw of me. My grades in school also began to suffer. When I brought this forward he was understanding and would later let me know that he would be going out to see his exes while I was busy with others. This felt inherently manipulative to me. As our relationship progressed this kind of manipulation continued. I was taking Childhood Psychology in college and had covered a brief lesson on BPD and sociopathy in children. I read on key characteristics of sociopaths which were very similar to his: unstable in school or work as adults — he always called in sick , charming, seemingly smart, lack of remorse. I looked into this further and came across this website. Right down to the way he would stare at me. The warning of compulsive lying and cheating upset me most. It drove me to look through his phone and e-mails when he would leave the room. Sure enough — there they were. The messages from women on dating sites. I wondered how he had the time as he was supposedly at work when he was not with me. Sure enough — he did not have a job and had been unemployed for 6 months to this day I do not know where he went in the morning or who he called in sick to. I decided to break everything off and established no contact. From that day forward, he grew more and more mentally unstable. He incessantly called me, waited outside of my house and school for about a month. I had to get him trespassed from my building complex. When I last saw him after establishing no contact for a month it was clear that I would not take him back. The cool and collected mask had fallen off. I was not looking at my former partner. I was staring at someone that was truly insane. They need to turn on the charm in the beginning because they need things from you — attention, money, shelter. He ticks all the boxes described on this website. In the end, you will be guilty for all his actions, a sociopath never feels guilty or admits he was wrong. All his actions are well justified. Talk to your friends. Talk a lot about it. Well, everything in this basically sounds like my boyfriend soon to be ex. I was questioning all of this for awhile and my friend was pointing out all the signs to me but I was saying he was being irrational. I met this awesome guy online, he lived in Canada and me in the USA. We were both going through a rough time and we were basically comforting each other. At first he came off really sweet, chill type of guy. Also he broke up with his ex so we were both just going through heartbreak. We started talking every night. Or so I THOUGHT. He was interested in a lot things I was into, we had the same taste in music, he was interested in my drawings and wanted to know about everything to make it seem like he cared. I even opened up to him abt my traumatic past and was surprised how understanding he was. He also opened up to me about some events in his life which now I know was just so he could manipulate me into trusting him into making me think that he was a good guy. Being that we both got out of serious relationships I was pretty hesitant about reciprocating his feelings even though I felt the same, but he was just ready to dive into this new relationship and he was already ready to come and visit me and everything. Being long distance never bothered me btw if you can actually visit the person like once or twice each month So.. I do end up reciprocating his feelings and we start kind of acting like a couple without the title 2 months in. Everything was perfect until he told me that he was in love with me. Fast forward 2 months later, something similar happens.. And ngl he is pretty attractive, and he knew it. Nothing NUDE just something sexual. And the next day I do send the picture. Me being naive I tried to blow it off as he really just wants to be intimate with me and maybe I should be more confident with him because obviously he is attracted to me and he is a man who has needs. All we did was text and at no point was I upset with him. Then fast forward AGAIN, we got over that little argument and we get on the topic of self harm. He is extremely toxic and immature person with a huge ego and also he lacks 0 empathy. He always said he was big on eye contact and that when we met he was going to stare into my eyes which I told him would make me uncomfortable af, which is WOULD. It kinda sucks that I let myself get manipulated over this guy, but at least now I know that he is a sociopath and he is incapable of seeing his wrongs, lacks empathy, only uses his partners, he can never truly LOVE someone.. Sociopaths only love THEMSELVES. Hopefully this story helps someone else point out the signs!
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